I Get Angry Sometimes

30Jan10

I got my first rejection letter from a graduate program a short while ago.  I got over that rejection letter pretty quick, after an initial fit:  Jon offered me cookies.  I screamed that I didn’t deserve cookies.

Now, I’m just nervous for the rest of my schools.  I’m treating the silence as good news; I haven’t gotten notice that I’ve been tossed out at the first glance.  I discovered that one of my mentors, Dr. S, is friends with one of the professors I picked as a mentor at my number 1 program.  Dr. S was kind enough to email the other professor to talk me up.  Through that email, I discovered that they were going to be meeting that week to discuss the first round.  That was two weeks ago.  I haven’t gotten a rejection letter, so I’m going to assume I made it through the first round.

I’ve tried to remain realistic about my chances of getting into grad school… mostly because I don’t have much of a choice.  Last year, one of my brilliant classmates were rejected from all of the programs he applied to.  I have Dr. K over my shoulder, reminding me to apply to masters’ programs, just in case I don’t get into a doctorate program.  Because I’ve remained realistic, I have a series of back-up plans just in case I don’t get into any school.

Those back-up plans all involve me moving out of my mother’s house and back to Peoria.  I’ll be able to live with friends and get a second job.  I would love for that job to be in a tailor’s shop or a bridal shop, so I can continue to use my sewing skills.  This does not sit well with my mother.

She seems to have taken the idea of my back-up plans as a personal offense to her because she and my father paid for my bachelors.  She wants me to go out and do something with that degree.  With only a bachelors in psychology, I can’t do a whole lot… and what I can do, I don’t want to do.  I would much rather work in another field that I enjoy until I can get into school to get to where I actually want to be:  A research scientist.

She has argued with me about it more than once.  It continues to be more infurating.  I was this close to telling her to fuck off.  Instead, I abruptly cut off the conversation and hung up.

I have enough stress about this whole fiasco without her adding to it.  I’ve got a tenuous grasp on my self-worth.  My mantra has become:  I am still a worthwhile human being even if I don’t get into grad school the first time.  I have so many people rooting for my success that it feels like that if I don’t get into grad school, I’ll be letting all of them down, in addition to myself.  I do not also need a guilt trip about money.

I am working so damn hard to get into grad school.  Last semester, I barely had time to sleep.  This semester, I continue to take on new tasks to further build up my CV.

I am so scared.

I am also almost certain that I won’t get into any programs I applied for.

I do not need anyone else’s negativity, as my own mind and stress do a good enough job on their own.

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